Draw me a map
by Pilotofmymind
Summary: Ronnie and Lem decide to give IAD something to talk about, in the morning.  Lem/Ronnie songfic, Draw me a map Dierks Bentley  Contains spoilers for season five.


_**Staring deep into your eyes**_

Ronnie still has his laptop in his car at the end of the day. And he doesn't know why, but he suddenly wants to give IAD something good to talk about. Something interesting to hear. So he waits for Lem at the end of the day. And it's taking longer for Lem to come out then he'd expected.

But he sits on the trunk of his car, with the laptop open, his question already typed out, and when Lem finally exits the building, he looks more upset then Ronnie had expected him to. Closing his laptop he slowly stands up, and waves to Lem, "Hey buddy." he calls, smiling in a way he can only hope is perceived as inviting.

Lem looks like he did when all of the money train shit happened, and Ronnie suddenly feels bad. But he can't understand why Lem, after all of the shit that's happened to them, would keep heroin in his own car. That's just stupid.

"Yeah?" Lem rubs his eyes as he pauses by Ronnie, and looks down at the laptop, and hopes that Ronnie doesn't want to play any more of their strange word games. It was hard for him to keep up earlier, and he isn't sure why. But he thinks he just isn't made for lying.

Ronnie shifts nervously, as he looks down at the laptop, before he slowly returns his gaze to Lems' face, and Lem just barely catches the look Ronnie is giving him. But he does. "Now?" he asks, obviously surprised, but at the same time obviously pleased.

"Yeah, I was thinking a drive in." Ronnie realizes that his face is flushed, and he hopes no one can tell how turned on he is.

"But..." Lem shrugs, inadvertently pointing to the mic.

"I think it's a good idea." Ronnie says smiling, and suddenly Lem gets it.

"Yeah, okay. Let's take my car!" He says cheerfully, and Ronnie is surprised he's so up for it.

"Yeah, I'll lock mine up, just pull over here when you're ready." he calls as he goes to his car, and gets his laptop bag, slipping it inside he opens his glove box, and pulls out a pack of condoms, he realizes Lem is bigger then him, slowly. As he's slipping them inside the bag, but he supposes they can pick some up.

Throwing the lube into the bag he flinches when Lem lays on the horn behind him, locking the doors, he slams the one he has open, before quickly going to jump into Lem's jeep. "We've gotta stop at a drug store." he says as he pulls his seat belt on, gently placing his bag in the back seat.

"Why?" Lem asks as they pull out, and it's his turn to flinch when Ronnie reaches over and cups his crotch. "Jesus." Lem says breathlessly.

"Yeah." Ronnie says while looking in the back seat, "Those seats lay down?" he asks as he turns to face the dash board again.

"I dunno, I never checked. Always took you home before." Lem says as he pulls into a gas station, "I'll be right back." He says, as he leans over and places a chaste kiss to Ronnie's lips, Ronnie gets embarrassed but doesn't protest.

Ronnie doesn't know why this excites him so much. Maybe it's because IAD has been up his ass so far before, that he wants to show them there's a new sheriff there, now. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because he's always wanted someone to know, but he's never asked Lem if they could bring a third person in. To watch. Because he thinks Lem would stop seeing him.

But now... Now Lem is getting a rush out of someone watching, and Ronnie finds that very sexy. He finds a lot of stuff Lem does sexy lately, though. He looks up in time to see Lem exiting the store, and the way he's blushing (why would a guy be embarrassed to have to buy _large_ condoms, Ronnie wonders), he has to grin because it's so cute that Lem still gets flustered buying condoms.

He's getting impatient, because it's been _months_ since Lem has even touched him. He thinks of all of the shit that happened with the money train money. After that it had been him refusing Lem, because he was mad at him. And after the cold shoulder, Lem had closed their account. And it's been over a year since the last time they had laid down together. And Ronnie is harder then he's ever been, just imagining how much he's going to make up for tonight. And he knows Lem will be more then willing to comply.

As Lem slides into the drivers seat Ronnie smiles suggestively at him, and Lem's face goes pink, Ronnie just laughs at him as he takes the small plastic bag, "You got a bag?" he asks incredulously.

"Hey man, it's embarrassing." Lem whispers.

"It's condoms. You're a man. How is that embarrassing?" Ronnie asks as he raises an eyebrow.

"It... it just was." Lem mutters as he pulls out. "The attendant was a girl." he says softly, as he chews on the inside of his cheek.

"Ah." Ronnie says as he slips the condoms into the glove box. Leaning over he kisses Lem's neck lightly as he unbuckles his seat belt, "May I?" he coos into Lem's ear, as he cups his crotch once again, surprised to find that Lem is already extremely hard as well.

"I'm driving, man." Lem says breathlessly, as he puts one hand over Ronnie's and presses down, letting out a soft moan.

"That's cool, I've had it done while I drove before." Ronnie says, before leaning down to drop Lem's seat back a bit. Ignoring his yelp of protest. Unzipping Lem's pants, Ronnie barely has to assist to free Lem's engorged penis. "It's, uh, it's bigger then I remember." Ronnie comments.

"What's wrong man, been eating baloney so long you forgot what sausage tastes like?" Lem jokes as he strokes the back of Ronnie's neck.

"Shut up." Ronnie practically purrs before licks the head, sending a spike of excitement through both of them. Ronnie lets out an appreciative noise before swallowing Lem down, whole.

Lem groans as his hips jump slightly, and he has to tighten his hand on the back of Ronnie's neck, as well as on the steering wheel, to keep from fucking Ronnie in the throat. He's forgotten how good it feels to have Ronnie suck him off.

_**Searching for answers to questions I can't find**_

It feels like Ronnie has gotten better. Lem can barely keep his eyes focused on the road, and he almost runs a red light when Ronnie suddenly hums deep in his throat, the vibrations running down the shaft almost make him lull his head back.

He doesn't know why, but he's suddenly angry, because Ronnie never used to do that. And Ronnie wasn't this good before. He was good... okay... mediocre, at best.

And that means he's been practicing with someone else. And that makes Lem angry, though he had been the one to end the relationship. Because he hasn't been with another man since it happened, and he doesn't know why, but it feels like Ronnie has betrayed him. Broken some secret vow, they'd had.

"Oh God." Lem mutters, and it isn't from the enjoyment, though Ronnie seems to think it is, because he hums again, swallowing slightly as he does so.

Lem doesn't understand. He'd thought they were just going to keep it between them. He doesn't know why Ronnie is still seeing guys. And better yet, he doesn't know what guys Ronnie is seeing. What if he's seeing some gigolos? That's horrible.

What if Ronnie has... something?

"Oh God." Lem all but moans. And he's suddenly sad, but he cums just like it was any other emotion, and Ronnie swallows.

Ronnie swallows.

And Lem is furious.

He pulls over quickly, and Ronnie is still sucking. Like some sort of pro. Pulling him through the orgasm gently. And he throws the car into park, and now he can understand how it was always so fast for Vic to get a blow job. The man is always angry.

_**If I took for granted that I held your heart **_

"Get up here!" Lem hisses, as he grabs the back of Ronnie's shirt, and yanks him up, shoving him back away from himself, as he does it.

"What the hell, Lem?" Ronnie sounds breathless, and Lem doesn't blame him.

Tucking himself back in, he zips his pants slowly as he narrows his eyes at Ronnie, barely noticing that Ronnie is exposed. "Hey! Do you know how hard that would have been to clean up?" Lem demands, and Ronnie indignantly tucks himself back in, zipping his pants up carefully.

"I didn't bitch that time you got off all over my favorite pair of jeans, Lem." he mutters as he leans back in his seat. "What the hell are you so worked up about anyway?"

Lem can tell that Ronnie is nervous now, but he doesn't know why. "What the hell was that shit down there?" Lem demands as he vaguely motions toward his crotch.

"...was I sucking too loud?" Ronnie jokes as he sits up, and shrugs, "What do you mean? Was... didn't you enjoy it?" he seems a little hurt by that possibility.

"You're damn right I enjoyed it!" Lem hisses reaching over and shoving Ronnie against the door.

"Then what the fuck is wrong?"

"Where did you learn to do it like a pro?" Lem realizes that his voice cracked, like he is about to cry, and he isn't surprised.

"...Are you upset because I gave you a good blow job?" Ronnie sounds utterly horrified.

"Yeah, man." Lem whispers as he rubs his eyes, and leans back in his seat, folding his arms over his chest.

"Why?" Ronnie asks softly, barely realizing that Lem has tears in his eyes.

"Because." Lem whispers, and he looks down at his laps slowly, "You... I haven't been with anyone else." he whispers it as he rubs his eyes, and Ronnie feels bad, but he doesn't know why.

_**I'd beg forgiveness but I don't know where to start **_

"Lem..."

"Forget it." Lem says as he puts his hands on the steering wheel, and grips it tightly.

"I didn't know that it would bother you! I only had them because... I couldn't have you." Ronnie knows he sounds desperate, but he's telling the truth. And he can't bare the thought of not having Lem fuck him tonight. "Lem... I..."

Lem looks up slowly, and Ronnie knows he isn't forgiven, but he just wants to kiss Lem. To make him believe him. To make him want to forgive him. "Love you." Ronnie finally finishes, and the look in Lem's eyes tells him he's half way there.

"Who?"

"...just, well... there's a bar down the street from my place. The bar tender he's, uh, the same build as you." Ronnie's face flushes, and he's surprised to see Lem smiling weakly at him.

"You went for guys that looked like me?" he sounds so happy, that Ronnie wants to cry out of relief.

"Yeah, man. I just couldn't get over you."

Lem shifts forward so quickly Ronnie wouldn't have time to get away if he wanted to, and when Lem's lips are on his, he can only moan softly into Lem's mouth, and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I love you too." Lem whispers, when he breaks the kiss, but he says it against Ronnie's lips, and for some reason that only serves to make Ronnie hornier. "Let's go to my place." Lem whispers, as Ronnie runs his fingers through Lem's hair.

"Please." Ronnie says as he strokes Lem's cheek. He knows that Lem hasn't forgiven him, but he's willing to set the anger, and probably a feeling of betrayal, aside so that they can get this out of their systems long enough to stop giving each other bed room eyes. And maybe that will soothe Vic's suspicions for a week.

If they wait that long to get together again.

_**Draw me a map that leads me back to you **_

Lem's decoration skills have always surprised Ronnie. It always looked so effeminate for such a manly guy. But then again, so did fucking Ronnie, so he pushed the thoughts down whenever he came to see Lem. It was always fun anyway, after all.

Removing his gun Ronnie dropped it on the closest table, along with his laptop bag, before Lem grabbed him, and threw him onto the bed, tossing his own gun down with Ronnie's he quickly climbed on top of Ronnie, both of them giggling like teens.

Lem hoped, for the first time, that they were being noisy as they kissed. Because IAD having to listen through at least half an hour of him making out with Ronnie seemed perfectly appropriate.

But when Ronnie starts to slip his hands under Lem's shirt he has to stop him, without letting IAD know that Ronnie knows. Grabbing Ronnie's wrists he slams his hands up above his head, and kisses him roughly, "Whoa, buddy." he whispers into Ronnie's ear.

Ronnie seems to get the hint, because as he slowly grinds up against Lem he says, very softly, "I gotta take a bathroom pass, boss."

Lem releases him slowly, and watches as he climbs out of bed, slapping his ass he grins, "Hurry up, babe."

Ronnie grins, looking back over his shoulder, shaking his head slightly, as he makes his way to the bathroom. Lem smiled wide as he watched Ronnie. Hesitantly standing up, Lem stripped his hoodie off, before dragging his shirt over his head, rolling his eyes slightly, as he looked at the mic, unbuckling his belt, he quickly unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, dropping them, he leaned down and started untying his boots, pausing he opened his night table drawer, as he slowly removed the wire.

Placing it gently into the drawer he closed it half way, so that IAD could still hear it. Quickly stripping down to his boxers, Lem slowly sat on the edge of the bed. Looking at the drawer he frowned, shaking his head slightly, as he did. He didn't understand why they were doing this.

Any of it. Why did IAD have to start this shit? And why did it have to take this strange turn? All of it was stupid.

Sighing Lem shifted back, and laid on the bed, putting his hands behind his head he watched the doorway, and waited for Ronnie.

He wasn't surprised to see Ronnie walk out carrying his clothes, "You switched aftershave? I hadn't noticed." Ronnie said as he tossed his clothes on the floor, before climbing into bed, to slip in between Lem's legs, and smiled up at him.

"I ain't been usin' none." Lem said as he reached down, and wrapped his hand around the back of Ronnie's neck. "Come up here, you dumbass." Lem said grinning.

Ronnie chuckled as he placed his hands on either side of Lem, before leaning forward, pressing his chest against Lems, he let his weight rest down against Lem. Kissing Lem's throat softly he rested his head against Lem's shoulder and sighed, as Lem wrapped his arms around Ronnie's waist.

Ronnie wrapped his arms around Lem's neck slowly, as he shifted against him, trying to get a more comfortable spot against Lem.

Lem softly touched Ronnie's cheek, before cupping it in his hand. "Ronnie, I'm sorry about everything that happened." he muttered softly, before raising his hand to stroke Ronnie's hair.

"Me too, man." Ronnie said as he slowly began to kiss Lem's neck, pausing to suckle at the sink just below Lem's ear.

"Man, I just don't understand this shit." Lem said as he tightened his arm around Ronnie's waist, "I never meant for this to happen." He said as he moved his hand down to cup Ronnie's chin, and tilting his head up, to look at him, "I love you. I really, really do, man." Lem said softly, as he kissed him lightly.

"Why are you talking like this?" Ronnie asked as he slowly put his hands against Lem's chest, pushing himself up slowly, he sat up in between Lem's legs, and pushed his arm away, "What the hell is going on, man?"

_**I don't know where to go, please tell me what to do**_

Lem smiled up at him, shaking his head he patted on the bed beside him, "Lay down, buddy." Lem said grinning, "You always take care of me. Let me take care of you, for once."

"Wh... why?"

"Come on, Ronnie." Lem said sitting up, and gently grabbing Ronnie's shoulder, "Lay down. I wanna show you something." he whispered softly.

Ronnie frowned before slowly climbing over Lem's legs, and hesitantly laying down on the bed beside Lem, looking up at him nervously.

Lem smiled softly, obviously saddened by something, but unwilling to share with Ronnie yet. "Hey, don't worry. You're probably gonna like this." Lem said raising his eyebrows, causing Ronnie to laugh. "But first your gonna have to loose them shorts, man." Lem said as he got up on his knees beside Ronnie and hooked his fingers under the waist band of his boxers, and slowly worked them down Ronnie's hips.

Ronnie raised an eyebrow as he lifted his hands, allowing Lem to do the work, resting his hands, palm down, on his chest he remained still as Lem pulled the boxers off the rest of the way, before slowly folding them, and placing them on the bed beside himself. "You know I'm not a woman, right?" Ronnie asked sarcastically.

Lem smiled but remained silent as he shifted to sit in between Ronnie's legs, rubbing the palms of his hands against Ronnie's calf's he looked down at the mattress, before leaning down and kissing Ronnie's inner thigh. He didn't know why, but he felt compelled to show Ronnie just how much he actually did care about him, tonight.

He felt like he wouldn't get another chance like this again.

Ronnie let out an appreciative hum, as Lem started to kiss up his thigh. Kissing was one of Lem's favorite things to do to Ronnie. The man seemed to thrive on kisses, and Lem loved to give them, so it made it more enjoyable. Kissing Ronnie's penis he was glad to hear a soft moan come from his partner.

Pausing he looked up at Ronnie slowly, and saw him looking back with half-lidded eyes. Lem smiled as he leaned down and kissed Ronnie's stomach, and began to trail kisses up his chest, to his neck, and back down again.

"God, Lem. Do something." Ronnie said as he slipped one hand onto Lem's shoulder, and used the fingers of his left hand to thread them through Lem's hair.

Lem paused mid-kiss and glanced up at Ronnie, who had his eyes closed, and his head pressed back into the pillow. He didn't want to talk. He didn't mind if Ronnie talked, but he didn't want to talk. He felt like he would ruin things if he started talking, again.

Running his hand up Ronnie's chest he splayed his fingers across Ronnie's cheek, and fluttered them across it, before cupping it in his hand, leaning up he lightly pressed his lips to Ronnie's.

_**Help me find the road you're on **_

Sitting up he grabbed the lube off of his night table, and pulled a condom out of the drawer. Dropping the condom on Ronnie's chest he opened the Lube and squeezed some out onto his fingers. He felt nervous. More so then he ever remembered feeling before.

Maybe it was performance anxiety, he mused as he lowered his hand down in-between Ronnie's legs, and lightly touched his entrance with a slick finger tip. Ronnie let out a soft moan as Lem pushed his finger in half way, encouraged by Ronnie's moan Lem slipped a second finger in, pushing in to the knuckle.

Lem almost jumped though, when Ronnie's hand wrapped around his penis. Opening his eyes he blinked at Ronnie, who was grinning up at him. "Come on, Curtis." he breathed as he pulled his legs up on either side of Lem, "We both know I don't need you to be that gentle."

"Ronnie..." Lem whispered as he shook his head, before leaning down and lightly kissing Ronnie's neck, as he slowly moved his fingers in and out of Ronnie, causing the other man to groan. Shifting slightly Lem moaned softly against Ronnie's neck as the other man applied slight pressure to the head of his penis.

He was glad that Ronnie was enjoying this, though he knew Ronnie would say he would have preferred it rough, later. He doesn't believe it though. He's been on that end of the deal before, and slow and gentle is always better then fast and rough.

He likes it like this. When he can feel every one of Ronnie's reactions. When his heart rate increases. When his face flushes. When the blood rushes to his penis.

It turns him on.

And Ronnie has never once asked why he likes to press his open mouth to his throat, and that worries him. Because the wrong person could do it at the wrong time. And that could hurt Ronnie.

And that makes him sad, and worried. And he thinks that's what helps him keep control, what keeps him from losing himself to Ronnie's deep moans, and his begs to go harder.

He wonders how much Ronnie would hurt, or hate him, if he let himself go tonight.

He shoves his fingers in too deep, too hard, too fast, because he isn't paying attention. And Ronnie lets out a strangled whimper as his hands clutch Lem's shoulders. And Lem doesn't know why that makes it worse, and he pushes in harder, and Ronnie's finger nails are biting into his skin, and he's pressing down against the bed, trying to push back, away.

"L-Lem!"

Lem flinches as he pulls his fingers out, and the pain is barely registering in his shoulders, as he looks down at Ronnie, "D-did I?"

Ronnie takes a moment to let go of his shoulders, and he's looking at Lem warily, as he brushes the condom off of his chest. "Why'd you do that? Are you still mad?"

Lem doesn't know what to say, how to tell him why he did it, he can only shake his head slightly, "I didn't mean too, man." he barely realizes that he's shaking as he reaches out to Ronnie, and as Ronnie focuses on his hands he starts to wonder if tonight is such a good idea.

But Ronnie lets him touch his shoulders, rub them slowly, and down his arms. "I'm sorry."

The tone of his voice makes it sound like he's going to cry, and Ronnie still wants to have sex, and he doesn't want a substitute tonight, so he shakes his head slightly, "I like it rough. Just warn me." he says grinning, and the look on Lem's face tells him that wasn't what he wanted to hear, but Lem's a good lover. And he picks the condom up, with still shaking hands, and tears it open. Ronnie doesn't understand why he's shaking, but he wants it to stop. So he takes the condom, and as he puts it on Lem, he's surprised at how hard he's become suddenly, and he briefly wonders how long it's been since Lem has had sex.

_**I just need directions home **_

As Lem pushes in, Ronnie swears that his vision goes white for a moment. He'd forgotten how that felt. Lem has always had such a special way of penetrating, and he wonders how he'd managed to forget how fucking good that feels. And Lem is so thick. And Big. And he hasn't been with a guy like Lem since he'd been with Lem. Ronnie swears that Lem must be the only big guy with a package to match, because he's the only one Ronnie has ever seen (even in high school when he was still pretending not to look at other guys).

He moans as he arches up against Lem, and Lem slowly places a hand on his chest, and pushes him down, Ronnie is confused, but the way Lem is rolling his hips with each thrust, is making his vision spark. Because it's so damned good.

He feels Lem's lips on his cheek, and he moans deeply as Lem thrusts in, and Ronnie swears he's about to cum right now, because Lem is so much better then he remembers. And as he wraps his legs around Lem's waist, and one arm around Lem's abdomen, while the other goes around his neck, so Ronnie's fingers can bury themselves into his hair, he hopes that the dampness on his cheek now is from their sweat. And not what he knows it's from.

Their both breathing heavily, and he almost doesn't hear Lem whispering it, between each small kiss, but the one to his ear sends the message to his brain, and with each little; "Love you. I love you." Ronnie understands why Lem is acting so strangely, and why he's crying, and being so gentle. So good.

He wants Ronnie to remember this night forever.

And from the pain in his chest, Ronnie realizes that he will remember this night forever, and not in the way either of them had intended. And as he squeezes his eyes shut, he tries not to let himself cry, because he can't hurt Lem anymore then he's already hurting.

And when Lem presses a tender kiss to his throat, before burying his face in the crook of Ronnie's neck, and letting out a strangled sob, Ronnie breaks. He realizes that this is bad for both of them. When Lem's hips still, Ronnie's have long since halted their movements, and Lem wraps his arms around Ronnie, Ronnie holds him tighter, and Lem's sobs are shaking his frame, and Ronnie can't do anything to calm him.

It isn't a soft cry, like one would expect, he's not like Ronnie. It's a screaming sob, and it's breaking Ronnie's heart.

He doesn't care that Lem's fingernails are breaking the skin on his back, making him bleed. He doesn't care that Lem is holding him so hard that he's going to bruise. He just cares that Lem is planning on turning himself in.

And he realizes that he has to talk to Vic.

But he knows he isn't going to do it.

_**Draw me a map that leads me back to you **_

Ronnie doesn't know how long they were laying there, before Lem loosened his grip, pushing himself up, his weight resting on his elbows,"R-Ronnie." Lem's voice is finally calm enough for him to talk.

"Yeah Curtis?"

"I really do."

"...I do too." Ronnie realizes that he's crying again, because Lem is touching his face lightly, and he wishes he could stop, because he doesn't want this to be their worst night together, when it's supposed to be their best night. So he swallows hard, as he nuzzles his face into the palm of Lem's hand, and kisses the palm lightly, "Go." he whispers against Lem's hand.

And Lem is hesitant, but when Ronnie slowly grinds down against him, he starts again. Slowly, and as gently as he can. And Ronnie closes his eyes so Lem doesn't have to see him crying. So he doesn't have to see Lem crying.

This was supposed to be their best night.

Ronnie lets out a soft gasp when Lem pushes in all the way, and slowly, slowly, they shift back into their rhythm. But it isn't the same, there's something different in it now, all of it. The kisses are softer, the moans are quiet, the sex isn't about getting off now. It's about love.

Just love.

And Ronnie opens his eyes, slowly, to look into Lem's, and the look in Lem's eyes makes his heart hurt.

They say it at the same time, and Ronnie thinks it's very cliché.

"I love you."

**_I've never been so at loss _**


End file.
